"How Soccer Is Ruining America" is a humorous piece of satire, not unlike an article that would typically be posted on a website such as theonion.com. Interestingly, however, the context in which this specific article was posted was not on a satirical website, but rather, as a "Federation Feature" on the Wall Street Journal website. Comedy is subjective by nature, and satire even more so, so it was an interesting choice by Stephen Webb to publish his essay in this manner, especially considering the large amount of people who took the article seriously, and missed the entire point. This response is not entirely unwarranted, however, as Webb seems to be completely committed to this ridiculous concept until the final few sentences of his essay.
Webb begins his essay with a blatant use of hyperbole, claiming that soccer is "running America into the ground, and there is very little anyone can do about it". He continues on to make an interesting point about the "dumbing down" of young people in America, referring to the constant gratification American children are often subject to. He very loosely connects this to soccer, ignoring the concept that all childrens' sports could theoretically be subject to the very same problem. This is one of many instances in the article in which Webb blatantly ignores obvious logic, attempting to make semi-logical arguments appear to support his own thesis.
Much of the remaining essay is humorously and ridiculously irrelevant to the idea of soccer "ruining America", as Webb continues to describe the apparently objectively boring experience of watching a soccer game. He makes great use of metaphor with his description of the sport, such as when he compares it to "two posses pursuing their prey in opposite directions without any bullets in their guns". This comparison is humorous not just because of the ridiculousness of the idea, but also because of the clarity of the image; this is an obvious form of dead-pan humor, in which Webb makes ridiculous claims, but states them with absolute confidence and sincerity.
Webb makes several other bias arguments in the essay, such as when he declares that hands are holier than feet, and therefore, any sport that limits you to using your feet "has something very wrong with it". His support for this claim is equally ridiculous, and he even replaces the word "hands" with "feet" (and vice versa) in a series of well-known statements/scenarios in an attempt to show off the importance of hands. He also explains how baseball is a much more valuable sport for kids than soccer, and the general pointlessness of the game of soccer, as most games apparently end with a penalty kick out, so the teams might as well just "flip a coin to see who wins..... before the game, and not play at all". He even goes so far as to describe the implications of the sport in terms of gender bias, and even though his argument in this particular section is poorly thought out, he fails to even explain why soccer being a "game for girls" would be considered a negative in the first place.
The following paragraph devolves into almost hysterical insanity, as Webb connects the rise of soccer to "the political left", describing it as a foreign invasion. Suddenly, however, the essay takes a sharp turn into Webb's personal life; Webb explains how soccer is helpful to parenting, as it keeps kids occupied, entertained, and exercised. He admits that, while he does bring a book to read to each of his daughters' games as his "way of protesting the rise of this pitiful sport", he and his family always enjoy the game by the end. This clever contrast is meant to point out the absolute ridiculousness of the preceding essay, as Webb establishes himself as disagreeing with the entire notion.
Webb begins his essay with a blatant use of hyperbole, claiming that soccer is "running America into the ground, and there is very little anyone can do about it". He continues on to make an interesting point about the "dumbing down" of young people in America, referring to the constant gratification American children are often subject to. He very loosely connects this to soccer, ignoring the concept that all childrens' sports could theoretically be subject to the very same problem. This is one of many instances in the article in which Webb blatantly ignores obvious logic, attempting to make semi-logical arguments appear to support his own thesis.
Much of the remaining essay is humorously and ridiculously irrelevant to the idea of soccer "ruining America", as Webb continues to describe the apparently objectively boring experience of watching a soccer game. He makes great use of metaphor with his description of the sport, such as when he compares it to "two posses pursuing their prey in opposite directions without any bullets in their guns". This comparison is humorous not just because of the ridiculousness of the idea, but also because of the clarity of the image; this is an obvious form of dead-pan humor, in which Webb makes ridiculous claims, but states them with absolute confidence and sincerity.
Webb makes several other bias arguments in the essay, such as when he declares that hands are holier than feet, and therefore, any sport that limits you to using your feet "has something very wrong with it". His support for this claim is equally ridiculous, and he even replaces the word "hands" with "feet" (and vice versa) in a series of well-known statements/scenarios in an attempt to show off the importance of hands. He also explains how baseball is a much more valuable sport for kids than soccer, and the general pointlessness of the game of soccer, as most games apparently end with a penalty kick out, so the teams might as well just "flip a coin to see who wins..... before the game, and not play at all". He even goes so far as to describe the implications of the sport in terms of gender bias, and even though his argument in this particular section is poorly thought out, he fails to even explain why soccer being a "game for girls" would be considered a negative in the first place.
The following paragraph devolves into almost hysterical insanity, as Webb connects the rise of soccer to "the political left", describing it as a foreign invasion. Suddenly, however, the essay takes a sharp turn into Webb's personal life; Webb explains how soccer is helpful to parenting, as it keeps kids occupied, entertained, and exercised. He admits that, while he does bring a book to read to each of his daughters' games as his "way of protesting the rise of this pitiful sport", he and his family always enjoy the game by the end. This clever contrast is meant to point out the absolute ridiculousness of the preceding essay, as Webb establishes himself as disagreeing with the entire notion.